I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i've created a new STD.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
