Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
