Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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