I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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