so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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