Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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