Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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