I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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