how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
