If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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