I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
