The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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