you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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