Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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