i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
