I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
this is an emotional support booty call
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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