i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
