yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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