im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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