You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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