She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
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