If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
