im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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