Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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