I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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