who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
