and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
