I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
