Taylor Swift is so right about you.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
