You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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