i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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