: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
