dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
