sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
