On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
