her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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