after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
