I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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