once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i think i just lost a toe
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
