Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
