Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
