never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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