dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
