god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You've changed since you got that strap on
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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