I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
