I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
