he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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