I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
