she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
