I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
