Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
