why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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